lab 3:8 ~ 4/4/11

Posted: April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

going into this day, this lab, i am fatigued and have the beginning throaty aches of being pulled under the weather.  not enough to stop me from going, but enough to throw a bunch of elderberry and medicinal mushrooms into the system, and to edge me into real clarity on how i can be fully present without exhausting myself.

what comes to me is to work consciously with ‘containment,’ and this opens, even before entering lab space, a new set of questions to subject myself to:  how do i show up fully without blowing people away?  without blowing my own energy?  what is the source, form, and course of ‘my’ energy?  are there other energies and sources and forces that ‘fatigue’ allows me to access, because my energetic ‘habits’ are not functioning?

the warm-up is quite different for me when entered from containment.  most remarkable is the ‘heat’ segment; i move very very slowly, deep squats up and down with large, molasses-slow arm gestures circling as well.  there is a sense of the pulse and ripple of  blood and muscle and the lubricating fluids of joints…almost immediately i break a fine sheen of sweat everywhere; the image that comes is the difference between a quick, light fire (kindling with newspaper) and a deeply glowing banked coal…the containment of heat brings me directly into to the generative heat of the coal.

we continue to work with a chosen element; i stay with AIR, which has been with me all week ~ an insight arising during the week and deepened in lab is the interpenetration and interdependence of air with the other 3 elements:  fire depends on air as a primary fuel source (without air, fire will be extinguished), water is H2O – Oxygen is an essential component, and earth – digging my hands in the dirt all week as i weed, cultivate, seed and transplant daily – earth can only offer roots nourishment & fertility if there is enough air tilled into it to allow the breathing of the roots themselves, drainage, penetration of nutrients, and movement of organisms & micro-organisms (that are also breathing that air).

from the micro-level to the macro-level, within the lab i experience the envelope of air around the entire earth – the atmospheric womb which contains and nourishes all life, all activity, all concepts & experiences.

we enter a polarity of power gain/power loss.

within power gain, i experience distinct patterns and forms of power gain:  power over, power to, and power with.  as these resonances and patterns deepen and become more distinct, i begin to recongnize the patterns in the room with me – what form or pattern the other lab participants are within.

power loss doesn’t have these distinctions (for me, or yet); it is more a uniform feeling of draining or implosion…

when we enter with the added intentions of ‘don’t take it personally’ & ‘sense of play’ i find a new quality in power gain which i name ‘blowing it off’ – the power to choose to let things go – which has a range from the ‘power over’ end of dismissing people or ideas – a kind of ego-derogation – to the ‘power to’ end of choosing to surrender some task, idea, expectation, belief from an empowered place of clarity or compassion.  when i enter power loss in this cycle, there is a very feminine, almost vixen-y quality of relief & spaciousness – ‘yeah, thank goodness that’s not my fucking responsibilty – let’s go party!’

source of power/heart’s desire: i experience my heart’s desire as to be present with life exactly as it is, receptive and sensuous.  this surprises me – no object, person, place – only presence.

noticings from no-form:

often a concept/image/form will arise immediately within my approach to no-form when antero ‘sets the intention’ for the ritual, and sometimes i have to ‘express’ this first – go through it to get to source/force level.  if i repress it, it seems to color the whole ritual.

i find a ‘somatic key’ of turning my physical eyes inward and upward – as if gazing internally at ajna chakrum – this seems to drop me immediately into Here Now Empty

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