layers that have emerged in the week between lab #7 & lab #8: chakra/circuit work as experienced in my own body:

1/feeling – 2/perceiving – 3/receiving – 4/storying – 5/owning – 6/witnessing – 7/archetyping – 8/dissolving-integrating

entering lab ~ foundation source chosen = stillness

polarity chosen = frustration (R) – satisfaction (L)

group rituals: 

(eastwall) noform > resistance > love > resistance > noform (westwall)  ::  earth offering me resistance gives me the capacity for all meeting & movement.  many eye qualities and micromovements, impacting in subtle and profound ways somatic perception (not just visual).

love sleeps inside everything, ready to be awakened.  love is absolute seeing, seeing what is.

(southwall) everything unknown about myself > noform > everything known about myself (northwall) ::  within everything unknown, i encounter Dark Power and Infinite Enoughness.  within everything known, Lemniscate Keys.

(southwall) noform > foundation source (stillness) > god of foundation source (northwall)  ::  within foundation source, hands rubbing = energy and availability (capacity) for movement; within god of source, Balance

post-last-lab-dream (night of lab #8):  i dream we all sleep over in lab space.  the next morning when we are cleaning up i meet what i understand later to be the God of the Lab Work.  He gives me a very potent and full-body embrace, during which he grows so tall his head now brushes the ceiling…increasing verticality – then he looks deep in my eyes and says ‘I love you.’  right before i wake up, when i am in hypnopompic state, i feel my hands over the point in my sternum where the last upper ribs are fused and a little bone protrudes and there is a beat of energy that pulses in, and a deep short grunt from my chest, the vibration moving in hands and bones.

personal source = enchantment

deepening layers:

  • i use/make enchantment
  • i am/embody enchantment
  • i am a conduit for the existing condition of enchantment

memory/insight of 36th birthday vision quest, the work i was given:  to make the invisible visible (& the visible invisible); that this = enchantment

choose 1 source of 3 given:  skeletal system, muscular system, nervous system.  i choose nervous system.  i experience this as the capacity for all perception; huge gratitude for this capacity, the cycle of interaction between the external and internal worlds/landscapes;  internal/invisible becoming external/visible becoming internal/invisible; lemniscate pattern arises again.  very connected to the underlying source of enchantment throughout.  nervous system surprises me with its juiciness and subtlety, my expectation/projection is that it will be more ‘electric’ and jumpy feeling, but it is not at all.  a succulent pulse.

group ritual:  no-form > muscular > skeletal > nervous > no-form > nervous > skeletal > muscular > no-form  (oriented E>W>E)

3 times through, 2nd time ‘no dwelling’ – keep moving, 3rd time set own order…during this group ritual, the question rises within me as i enter each system:  ‘what is the secret heart of the (muscular, skeletal, nervous) system?’

group ritual:  no-form > mind > heart > gut > heart > mind > no-form (oriented S>N>S)

2 times through, 2nd time ok to interact with others from within source

in mind i experience a series of widening perspective shifts:  first i am looking through an aperture – a single hole – which becomes glasses or lenses, which i remove, and then become fascinated with the glasses…letting the glasses go, i am now perceiving through a larger frame, which expands gradually to incorporate a wider and wider peripheral vision, until finally, i experience pure receptivity, merging with the field.

in heart the lemniscate shows up again, a pattern of offering/receiving.  a core pattern i have been working with in the heart realm shifts:  ‘how much love can i get’ transfigures to ‘how much love can i receive’ which is tied deeply to my own availability to self/other/world and willingness to offer myself and be received as myself.

in gut i experience mapping, directionality – how gut is a source of direction, impulse, intuition, ‘following my hunger’ – not my cravings, but my real hungers, longings, the internal compass of being and presence

when i return through mind, i am the one in hafiz’s poem that is ‘dropping keys’ – i am placing, tucking, laying golden keys in everyone’s realm of being – some at feet, in the small of the back, here and there…a feeling of the heart/offering energy and the gut directiveness and mind perspective all being integrated into a single action pattern.  here’s the poem:

Dropping Keys ~ the small man / builds cages for everyone he knows / while the sage / who has to duck his head / when the moon is low / keeps dropping keys all night long / for the beautiful / rowdy / prisoners

lab 6:8 ~ 4/25/11

Posted: April 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

foundation source i choose = solitude

moving through arrival, sanctifying space, and warming up, solitude as my foundation source emerges as an experience of walking through a circus sideshow – perceiving each individual in their own foundation source truly within their own unique world, embodying their own source…the ah-ha that permeates me is that this IS how life is – like in the lab what i am seeing is an amplification or obvification of how we all are moving through our lives every day, the star of our own show, participating/embodying the energies and forces that we consciously or unconsciously choose as our sources on every level – emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual.  there is a tremendous lightness in this seeing, a relief in grok-ing how almost everything is deeply personal and totally impersonal simultaneously, that what i often perceive as personal coming from someone else or some situation is actually to do with the source of that individual or situation and not me – it’s not personal – and yet my own experience, and the way i generate perception, is completely to do with my sources.  will have to digest and integrate this one for awhile.  reminds me of the old burning man saying ‘no spectators, only participants.’  even the ‘spectator’ is a role that one chooses to participate in – or not.  it is very clear that the choice of solitude as foundation source has opened this set of insights to me – there is a deep inner participating in self and with/in other that solitude blesses me with.

in physical warm-up:  solitude as source of:  stillness, spine, core, stretch, heat.

group polarity ritual:  mother on left/west side of room, father on right/east.  after no-form, i enter father.  first experience is deeply personal, loss of and longing for biological father, grief, right hand reaching unmet forward into space.  moving through no-form, into mother, i hear “all mothers are daughters and all daughters are daughters of mother earth.” through no-form again, back into father, which i now experience less personally and more archetypally, a linear and directive quality of movement, the force of decision evolving into and committing to action.

group ritual:  no-form>mother>child>father>no-form.  mother and father have switched location in this ritual (father now west side, mother east, with child between, where no-form corridor was in previous ritual) which disorients me temporarily – but dissipates with no-form committment.  what stands out:  physical hunger in my abdominal core while in father.  father to child transition, movement is kneeling and scribing lemniscates onto the floor, a gesture of absolute and infinite teaching.  child to mother transition, movement is taking the father’s teaching and evolving it into full body gesture, world and self as axis of lemniscate, inscribed & inscriber.

group ritual ‘journey’:  no-form>mother>child>father>child>mother>no-form.  mother now south and father north, with child between.  ritual of ‘sustaining care’:  immersion in source and discovery of what that source cares and sustains care for.  as i step from no-form into mother:  expressing love & perceiving from love.  into child:  timelessness.  child into father:  bringing light of truth to father.  into father:  truth as source of place to stand, to place one’s feet, of stance in world.  father into child:  blessing of eyes, ears, mouth, nose, heart, palms, etc. with direct connection to/perception of truth.  into child:  receptivity, capacity to be filled by experience.  child into mother:  source of unique physical body, expressed as a soft slapping of entire body.  image of baby being massaged, softly slapped, at birth, to bring first breaths in.  into mother:  resilience and adaptability, fundamental response-ability.

i notice throughout all these group rituals a movement at transitions into child a physical level change, dropping to knees, feeling of literally coming to the level of child, looking child in eyes, and entering body/world of child.

lab 5:8 ~ 4/18/11

Posted: April 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

pre-lab wanderings around residential berkeley, blooming with wisteria, jasmine & roses:

beauty is not good looks or a cosmetic effect; beauty is contact with and revelation of the luminosity of the individual soul

my intention this evening is to recommit to vertical source and containment; to recommit to solitude – to the rich & unique solitude of my experience and expression – its luminosity and its shadows, its joys and difficulties.  this solitude can even be deepened with/by the presence of others sharing this Lab/ritual space with me.

lab foundation source choice = earth

i step into earth – deep barefoot direct contact mud squishing through toes feeling – and deep grief, core/heart grief at human turning away from human/earth mutual longing to know and be known (not understood or recognized, but known – interbeing), the long history and pathway of this turning away, currently repressed by most humans and being expressed by the earth/gaia through disaster/climate/dis-ease

in warm-up, earth is source of: stillness, spine, core, stretch, heat.  very different, emergent, non-directive/intuitive basis for movement, movement patterns that arise are slower, deeper, and generative of each segment’s ‘quality’

resistance/nonresistance as source


ritual of each and precision in ritual

i experience both positive and negative polarities of resistance/nonresistance:

resistance ~ from a frozen and collapsed rigidity to the necessary firm appropriate meeting of boundaries generating movement and support as in birth canal or contact improvisational dance

nonresistance ~ from hopeless implosion or allowed violation to embodying the incredible radiance of the offering of the sun’s heat and light

then an integration experienced as a seed planted in earth and requiring both qualities for healthy growth – the resistance of seed coat and dirt, the nonresistance of earth and seed to penetration of light, warmth, air, water

journey:  sleep > dream > awake > resistance…first passes = immersion, second passes = finding ritual/precision

sleep:  gestating, compost, offering what is no longer needed

dream:  at first pointing fingers out – like ‘my’ dream/longing is out there/projected onto others, then becomes my own embodiment of inner source and offering vision seeds outwards

individual no-form into impersonal no-form:  impersonal no-form experienced as foundation source of union – including deep sexual union – found very sensual movement with tremendous breath and penetration of/by visual perception, merging with light of candle

earth really stayed with me throughout rituals as foundation source, and continues to imbue my experience, perception, and imagery

lab 4:8 ~ 4/11/11

Posted: April 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

patterns, elements & sources developed in this lab:

  • ‘rises’ ~ going from horizontal to vertical/standing with minimal effort, then dropping into a different horizontal to rise from
  • movement from back body and side (L/R) bodies through entire ritual space as a group
  • element source (i choose water)
  • dream body / earth body
  • dream body / water as source & bridge / earth body
  • ‘sustaining care’ ~ emotional resonance ~ give myself into source, immersion; what do i care most about?  approaching source from heart
  • dream/earth body integration / muse as source from outside ‘self’

insights received in this lab:

before entering lab this evening, i set an intention for the warm-up to work with each segment as source:  stillness as source, spine as source, core as source, stretch as source, heat as source.  this integrates with ‘minimizing effort’ and allows new movement patterns to arise more directly ~ these patterns are surprising and often more effective at ‘accomplishing’ the aim of that segment.  qualities emerge (for me, at this time) in each segment:  stillness as source of presence ~ spine as source of responsibility (response-ability) ~ core as source of stability ~ stretch as source of capacity ~ heat as source of energy.

water as medium of movment:  first experienced at microlevel in cells, blood, joints, cerebrospinal fluid…then as water is intermediary source between dream and earth bodies, i am gestated and birthed from dream body to earth body through the medium of water, the amniotic ocean, individually choosing to move from the realm of dream, spirit, archetype & intention into the specificity of physical form…then in the ritual of dream/earth integration, i am giving birth, receiving and gestating and releasing the dream body into earth body journey of another individual through my own body

water as path of least resistance is the resonance that emerges from the ritual of ‘sustaining care’ flavored by the intention to minimize effort carried through from the ‘rises’ practice…i feel how the path of least resistance is not passive, but has an active consciousness within it, a seeking and clarifying of the optimal pathway for movement and energy.  i feel relationships and situations in my life where i have some degree of resistance and the amount of energy this takes to maintain; the possibility of releasing the resistance arises.

i also bring a somatech from Soul Motion to this lab, what Zusa calls “A B C D E” ~ for Assemble (standing with joints and bones stacked in vertical alignment with gravity), Breathe, Circular Consciousness (above, below, front, sides, behind), Dissolve (letting go of ‘self,’ agenda & expectations on all levels), and Engage/Enter into movement.  a lot of interlapping and deepening of my experience, especially with the practices of No Form and moving from back and side bodies.

lab 3:8 ~ 4/4/11

Posted: April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

going into this day, this lab, i am fatigued and have the beginning throaty aches of being pulled under the weather.  not enough to stop me from going, but enough to throw a bunch of elderberry and medicinal mushrooms into the system, and to edge me into real clarity on how i can be fully present without exhausting myself.

what comes to me is to work consciously with ‘containment,’ and this opens, even before entering lab space, a new set of questions to subject myself to:  how do i show up fully without blowing people away?  without blowing my own energy?  what is the source, form, and course of ‘my’ energy?  are there other energies and sources and forces that ‘fatigue’ allows me to access, because my energetic ‘habits’ are not functioning?

the warm-up is quite different for me when entered from containment.  most remarkable is the ‘heat’ segment; i move very very slowly, deep squats up and down with large, molasses-slow arm gestures circling as well.  there is a sense of the pulse and ripple of  blood and muscle and the lubricating fluids of joints…almost immediately i break a fine sheen of sweat everywhere; the image that comes is the difference between a quick, light fire (kindling with newspaper) and a deeply glowing banked coal…the containment of heat brings me directly into to the generative heat of the coal.

we continue to work with a chosen element; i stay with AIR, which has been with me all week ~ an insight arising during the week and deepened in lab is the interpenetration and interdependence of air with the other 3 elements:  fire depends on air as a primary fuel source (without air, fire will be extinguished), water is H2O – Oxygen is an essential component, and earth – digging my hands in the dirt all week as i weed, cultivate, seed and transplant daily – earth can only offer roots nourishment & fertility if there is enough air tilled into it to allow the breathing of the roots themselves, drainage, penetration of nutrients, and movement of organisms & micro-organisms (that are also breathing that air).

from the micro-level to the macro-level, within the lab i experience the envelope of air around the entire earth – the atmospheric womb which contains and nourishes all life, all activity, all concepts & experiences.

we enter a polarity of power gain/power loss.

within power gain, i experience distinct patterns and forms of power gain:  power over, power to, and power with.  as these resonances and patterns deepen and become more distinct, i begin to recongnize the patterns in the room with me – what form or pattern the other lab participants are within.

power loss doesn’t have these distinctions (for me, or yet); it is more a uniform feeling of draining or implosion…

when we enter with the added intentions of ‘don’t take it personally’ & ‘sense of play’ i find a new quality in power gain which i name ‘blowing it off’ – the power to choose to let things go – which has a range from the ‘power over’ end of dismissing people or ideas – a kind of ego-derogation – to the ‘power to’ end of choosing to surrender some task, idea, expectation, belief from an empowered place of clarity or compassion.  when i enter power loss in this cycle, there is a very feminine, almost vixen-y quality of relief & spaciousness – ‘yeah, thank goodness that’s not my fucking responsibilty – let’s go party!’

source of power/heart’s desire: i experience my heart’s desire as to be present with life exactly as it is, receptive and sensuous.  this surprises me – no object, person, place – only presence.

noticings from no-form:

often a concept/image/form will arise immediately within my approach to no-form when antero ‘sets the intention’ for the ritual, and sometimes i have to ‘express’ this first – go through it to get to source/force level.  if i repress it, it seems to color the whole ritual.

i find a ‘somatic key’ of turning my physical eyes inward and upward – as if gazing internally at ajna chakrum – this seems to drop me immediately into Here Now Empty

betwixt labs

Posted: April 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

dancing at Soul Motion i feel a new depth in my capacity both to be with myself here and to be with others – to offer and to receive – i feel everyone’s commitment to the safety and reverence of this ritual space, and how my trust in this, and my capacity to perceive and receive it, profoundly expands my experience in both the vertical and horizontal dimensions.

this is reflected both in access to range of motion and range of slowness>swiftness in movement.

so much more intimacy internal/external; listening & expressing.

Lab work is definitely threading into my wider life & experiences.  I had forgotten this unfolding of potency through time/space.

Lab #2 ~ 03.28.11

Posted: April 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

this night brings home to me the impact of commitment to the warm-up.  i immerse myself in each segment (stillness ~ spine ~ core ~ stretch ~ heat) completely, and the ‘aha’ i have is that the warm-up IS (for me) the ‘effort’ or the ‘work’ of the Lab – when i can dissolve myself into the warm-up, the rituals that follow are almost effortless – a receiving into the container that has been generated through the warm-up process.

it profoundly affects my perception of TIME as well – when Antero calls ‘last ritual,’ i am shocked – it feels like almost no time has passed, although if i recall the experiences of the rituals in a linear form, i ‘recognize’ that a quantity of time has moved through the space.

we work with force of habit and force of will:  i experience these as primal, evolutionary forces working through my personal life as well as the lives of humans and the life of gaia/planetary life…the whole spectrum from an individual or even cellular moment to global ancestral time

we choose a ‘foundation source’ from the four elements ~ i choose AIR as it comes, unexpectedly, to the fore of my consciousness…we work both subjecting ourselves to source/force, and serving it.  while subjecting, i experience what i would call ‘direct engagement’ – a becoming of the force and experiencing/expressing a range of qualities – breathing, whispering, wind, whistling, panting…

there is a qualitative shift when i enter ‘serving’ – the insight i receive is: ‘serving requires gnosis’ ~ i cannot serve without knowing, without a willingness to be moved wholly by the force; however, the knowing is necessary but not sufficient for service – this is where the forces of habit and will begin to dance in, bringing personal response-ability, the unique service i offer to/receive from the foundation source interacting with my unique resonances, patterns, karmas, responses.

maybe the gnosis is both ‘of the source’ and ‘of the self’ to generate true service.

working with death/the place where death happens:  i am surprised to find death a lightness, a relief/release.  carrying will and habit manifestations into the space, they become gossamer, butterflies, transient.  there is a sense of beneficence offered and received, a blessing of the work of will and habit, and a letting go of it, simultaneously.

still experiencing and increasing range of motion:  body/joints, voice/breath, emotional qualities, and willingness to perceive, receive, and be seen.

first night of lab :: memory/digested insight

entering Vertical Source:

delicious, sensual, two axes/poles very different energies – the energies we (languaging humans)

come to call:  sky/earth  ::  light/dark  ::  yang/yin

but before those names and concepts, the itself

of their absolutes and their dance – how they NEED each other – exist in essential relationship

how they ~ this relationship ~ this dance ~ NEEDS ME ~ a deep and visceral experience of being in

necessary service ~ as much as i need it

i am the medium of its expression, of its experience of itself ~ it knows itself through me ~

i be through it

it be through me

mutuality of existence


in this lab i am aware of my female-ness in a different way than any previous lab.  how my experience is, of course, individual/unique, and also (in this life-round) female; partly because of my work reconnecting with this in myself and also i think the male/female balance of lab (5/3) and also my…hmmmmm…..embracing this, the validity of this, not trying to ‘be like’ – not using male as standard of human/what/how/should/be


post-lab circle converses re: difference between wording ‘understanding’ and ‘experience’ ~ over the next few days i play with the language here, looking up words & tracking etymologies and inventing new ones:

empiric:  empeirikos:  experienced ~ en/in + peira/a trial

experience:  experior:  to try, to prove ~ ex/intensification + per/to pass through

understand:  literally to stand under; to comprehend fully

new forms:  empirience, empiristanding, emperiunderstandence, empunderance, empiristandunderance